couples chatter

Video Blog – Communication Should Be Talked About

Greg Weller · Dec 6, 2018 ·

Even minor irritations can, in time, become major anger flashpoints, if not talked about.

In this video, Greg & Kathy talk about misunderstandings they’ve had – and how careful communication, in the midst of vulnerability and hurt, diffused tensions. Communication wasn’t an easy thing to do in the midst of emotional hurt – but it was worth it.

Because of sickness, the video is a little longer (18 minutes). Feel free to watch it over a couple of days.

Do you have any stories you’d like to share? Use the “Contact Us” form below the video to pop it through – it might be very helpful to other couples.

Do you have any comment or questions about the video? A similar story? Why not use the form below to send it in – we’re looking forward to posting it here!

Contact Us

When Conflict Comes AT You

Greg Weller · Dec 6, 2018 ·

Sometimes we figure we’re going pretty OK in life – at work, or socially. But then someone seems to confront us for no apparent reason. And perhaps there’s an adrenalin surge, a moment of bewilderment… And then we turn and respond almost instinctively.

It’s really useful to identify just how we tend to instinctively react in that situation. The Australian Institute of Family Counselling (AIFC) quote authors Bruce & Nellie Litchfield as giving five behaviours people use to respond when conflict comes at them.

Competitive Response – “I must win at any cost.” These people take a firm stand. They know what they want. They respond with a “I’m right, you’re wrong” mentality – and someone will have to lose.
Compromising Response – Negotiating, trying to find a solution that will at least partially satisfy everyone. Everyone gives up roughly the same amount of ground.
Accommodating Response – These people are willing to meet the needs of others at the expense of their own needs. They accommodate themselves to other people’s view, are self-sacrificing, and passive.
Avoiding Response – They withdraw and dodge the conflict altogether. They seek to avoid pain and hurt – but often the feelings are repressed, leading to more serious problems later on.
Collaborative Response – These people seek a resolution that tries to respect and hear everyone. Usually they have developed some skills in assertiveness, and acknowledge that everyone (even themselves) are important.

Which one are you most often when there is sudden unexpected conflict? You may even be a combination of responses. (Your response may perhaps be different at different times in your life.)

Knowing yourself is really useful when conflict happens in your marriage too.

Over the next weeks, we’ll practice a weekly routine that will help you learn to deal with communicating your own hurts and pains – and how to respond to your partner’s voiced hurts and pains.

Please be encouraged – we’ll look at proven techniques for communicating.

When misunderstanding or hurt or conflict happens, please choose to communicate (despite vulnerability, hurt and struggle).

Read “5 Collaborative Response” (above) once again. Isn’t that a goal worth working towards?

Date Suggestion

Greg Weller · Dec 6, 2018 ·

From now on, I’ll give a low-cost and a mid-price date. (After all, we all have seasons in life when we’re flush and when we’re lean.)

Low-cost date:

Take a thermos of coffee, two or three very nice chocolates, and photos of both of you. Find a great vantage point to watch the sun go down. Sit there, look and talk over the memories in the photos, and how you both felt before, in, and after the photo was taken. Pause for a while to watch the sun set. Then pull out the torch, put on a little soft music on your phone or portable CD player, cuddle up, and get back to those photos. Enjoy the memories of the cute, cuddly and perfumed moments.

Mid-price date:

Highly recommend is Qi-Lin Chinese restaurant in the Hooper Centre. They’ve got all the classic main courses, and some very unusual entrees and desserts. The Fruit Salad spring rolls are quite more-ish!!

And they’ve earned not a few awards over their short time in business!

How We Met (with Francis and Edith Schaeffer)

Greg Weller · Dec 6, 2018 ·

The Schaeffers were Christian authors and philosophers from the late twentieth century.

The following is reproduced from bulletininserts.org (a great website). Its rather long, bu t I need to reproduce it in exact form – it is the last article for the current week’s grouping!!

A Helper Suitable for Francis Schaeffer

Edith Seville was ready for a fight. The announced topic for the young people’s meeting in her liberal Presbyterian church was “How I know that Jesus is Not the Son of God, and How I Know that the Bible is not the Word of God.” The speaker was confident that everyone in the room either agreed with his heretical premise or could be easily persuaded to do so. Edith, on the other hand, was determined to challenge him. She listened carefully, mentally preparing what she would say in rebuttal to his remarks. As far as she knew, she was the only Bible-believing Christian in the room.

Just as the speaker finished and before Edith could get to her feet, someone else stood up. “My name is Francis Schaeffer,” he said, “and I want to say that I know Jesus is the Son of God, and He is also my Savior.” As soon as Francis finished describing his personal experience with God, Edith jumped up and added a brief apologetic for the truth of the Bible. That night, June 26th, 1932, began a pattern that would continue for the next fifty-two years—Francis and Edith would work together, each contributing what the other lacked, to defend the authenticity of the Bible and to model the present reality of the Christian life.

Francis and Edith began dating that very night, and married in 1935. In the beginning, Edith worked as a seamstress in order to help pay for Francis’ seminary tuition. Every day he would come home from seminary and share what he was learning with Edith. This practice, coupled with Edith’s extensive reading, gave her an informal seminary education as Francis earned his degree. After Francis graduated and became a pastor, Edith participated in his ministry by teaching children’s Bible classes in their home.

Just after World War II, Francis and Edith decided to move to Switzerland to help strengthen the few, isolated churches in Europe who still taught the Gospel. Francis worked tirelessly in what was called the “Separated Movement,” a group of churches in the U.S. and Europe who left liberal denominational affiliations over the issue of the inerrancy of the Bible. But after several years in this work, he came to a crisis point. He noticed that, though these churches clung to correct doctrine, often there was no love or kindness demonstrated in relationships among the members. People within the movement were quick to turn on each other and divide over doctrinal minutia. Worse yet, he noticed even in himself a love for theological debate that had less to do with compassion for the lost and more to do with gamesmanship and self-righteousness.

As Edith prayed for him, Francis spent the next few weeks pacing the hayloft over the chalet in which his family was living. He went all the way back to his agnostic roots and rethought his reasons for believing in God. He studied Jesus’ words about how believers should live. In his book True Spirituality, he sums up his conclusions this way:

In the midst of being right, if self is exalted, my fellowship with God can be destroyed. It is not wrong to be right, but it is wrong to have the wrong attitude in being right, and to forget that my relationship with my fellow man must always be personal. . . . Christianity is not love in abstraction, but to love the individual who stands before me in a person-to-person relationship. He must never be faceless to me or I am denying everything I say I believe.

The Schaeffers went on to demonstrate their new focus by ending financial ties to the Separated Movement and beginning a ministry called L’Abri, or “The Shelter.” Tucked away in a Swiss chalet near a ski resort, the Schaeffers prayed that God would bring the right people to them—ones who needed answers to their questions about God. They did not solici t for funds or advertise, but trusted God to meet their needs as a demonstration of His power. People from all over the world began trickling into L’Abri to get “honest answers for honest questions” and to live for a time in the Schaeffers’ home. Edith was in charge of running the household and overseeing the preparation of nutritious meals. Often she would teach a visitor something about Christ as they worked alongside each other baking bread or tending the gardens. Francis met with enquirers individually, led group discussions and preached.

In the meantime, Francis’ books and articles gained a loyal following in the United States and around the world. He was in demand as a speaker, especially on college campuses, and earned the title “Missionary to the Intellectual.” Edith was busy writing at this time, too. While Francis’ books discussed the culture, philosophy and apologetics, Edith’s books centered on the home, prayer, and the history of L’Abri. Francis said that to understand their ministry and philosophy, one must read both her books and his—they completed each other in print, just as they completed each other in life.

Today, there are seven L’Abri study centers continuing the work begun by Francis and Edith Schaeffer. More than 20 of their books are still in print, along with many books written about them. Perhaps an equal legacy is the impact they had in the lives of individuals they encountered one by one, over a cup of tea or a bowl of hearty soup—an impact we can hope to replicate as God brings individuals in need of spiritual shelter into our own sphere of influence.

Couples Chatter

Greg Weller · Nov 5, 2018 ·

SOLUTIONS ARE SO OVERRATED!!

What do you do when your wife wants to talk about a problem, and every attempt you make to solve it is turned away? (And if you’ve never encountered this, have a look on our video blog site for a very funny version of the situation, entitled “It’s Not About The Nail”)

So your Beautiful Other is talking about a current situation, saying, “I don’t know what to do. What options do I have,” describing the situation slowly to you. It seems so logical to need to solve it. Your wife is hurting, and you want to take away the pain. You want to fix it.

But often she just wants to talk about it with someone she cares about deeply. She just wants to talk about it – without finding a solution at the moment. So sitting with her and hearing her, nodding and making listening noises, and saying things like “That really must have been hard for you,” is what she’s looking for from you. It helps her. She hears you’re supporting her in the emotional tide. She knows she’s been heard.

Oh, and if you haven’t watched the video “It’s Not About the Nail” yet, it is very funny!!

And like the lady in the video, your wife may just want to have you listen – today. Tomorrow might be different.

Maybe if she asks twice, “What will I do?” or something similar, it’s OK to ask something like:-

Right now, would you like me to help you come up with answers… OR would you like me to just listen for now?

Don’t assume that two questions make a need for solutions. Just sitting hearing her is as good in her eyes as a killer romantic date. (But If you jump in and try to solve it without asking her if she’d like that, she may, just for a moment, think

He’s trying to think of an answer while I’m still in the middle of telling my story. If he’s busy thinking about answers, he can’t really be listening. Am I really being heard

So she doesn’t feel like she has been heard at all.)

Oh, and ladies, it is very much a different type of communication from what guys are used to. So when you sit down to tell the Handsome Other the problem, perhaps at the start you could say “Right now, I just want you to listen, to hear me. Today, I don’t need an answer.” Don’t assume your need is obvious to your Handsome Other.

And guys, let her talk, and let her be heard. If she seems to send “help” signals, ask if she wants help. If not, the time spent listening is as good as a date!!

And probably cheaper

Video Blog – “It’s Not About the Nail!!”

Greg Weller · Nov 5, 2018 ·

A very funny video – for more detail see the preceding Blog!!

Do you have any comment or questions about the video? A similar story? Why not use the form below to send it in – we’re looking forward to posting it here!

Contact Us

Date suggestion – “Progressive Anything”

Greg Weller · Nov 5, 2018 ·

For an inexpensive date, this is something you could prepare for your spouse. (I think it works best as a surprise prepared by one person for the other, but I’m sure you could adjust it so the surprises are shared.)

BEFORE DATE NIGHT

Choose a sense (taste, hearing, seeing, touch, smell) that you’d like to focus on.

Choose five locations to have a different activity – it might be different rooms in your house, outside your house, parks, shopping centre cafes, etc.

Pick a particular activity for each place, and prepare it.

Hide it in that location, or in the car boot, or on your person somewhere.

Decide how much you need to tell them so they can be prepared (eg right clothing, right equipment, right shoes, etc)

ON DATE NIGHT

Announce there are five activities (mention the type of activity if you want), and ask them to spin the dice to see what order they are to be done in.

Enjoy!!

Example 1: For the sense of hearing, we choose five rooms in which we dressed up in different crazes of our life (eg sixties leather jackets, reggae, chubby checker, etc) and did a different karaoke rendition in each room – for an extra giggle, we dressed up for each period (everyone has some of their old clothes right right back in the cupboard, right?) Have a look at our intro video for this one!! – see below.

Example 2: One of us put different board games in different rooms, hid them so they weren’t obvious but quickly bought out, rolled the dice, and let the evening roll where it may.

Example 3: For the sense of taste, try a new different food the other hasn’t tried, with mood lighting included, in each room.

OUR MEMORY:-

How We Met (With Keith & Anne)

Greg Weller · Nov 5, 2018 ·

Many, many, years ago Anne and I went to the same primary school at Shorncliffe. I knew of her but didn’t know her, as she was much older than I, being in the class above. We also lived in adjacent suburbs, only about 1.5kms away. We attended the same church, but she was in a different Sunday school class, as she was much, much older than I. So I didn’t really acknowledge her, after all she was a girl.

However once we were older and in youth group and then young adults, well… I sure noticed her, but she didn’t notice me because I was much, much younger than her. I thought Anne was the most beautiful creature on earth, however why would she be interested in me I was a Junior Forestry Trainee with a clapped out Datsun 1600 and she was going out with many many older guys from Young adults who all had promising careers, with great big beautiful cars…or so it seemed to me!

Then one weekend, we all went to a church camp, and at that camp we had a disco at night.

Well my best mate, his sister happened to be Anne, and I said to him shyly, “Hey mate, do you think I could ask Anne up for a dance?” He laughed and said, “Don’t ask me, go ask her.” So I plucked up the courage, because she really was so much more sophisticated than I and older (one year) and so I swallowed hard and asked her to dance. She said YES what a surprise! Well, as soon as we got up to dance, unbeknownst to me, one of my mates put on a slow romantic waltz and so, once I got this beautiful young woman in my arms, the rest is history.

This month we have been married for 45 years. I must say, my beautiful Annie is “my Special Angel sent from God above.”

That’s how we met!

Keith & Anne

If you enjoyed Keith & Anne’s story, why not email in your story, so we can paste it here??

All content copyright Keith and Anne 2018

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Couples Chatter

Greg Weller · Oct 21, 2018 ·

Is this why conflict becomes so hard between couples – we care about the other person, we care about the issue, we care about the emotion welling up inside us.

LAST WEEK’S BLOG

Hi from Kathy and Greg! Thanks for joining us!

We are two people who finally found each other after thirty years of struggling with singleness. We have been together (almost) three years, and it’s been amazing, fast-paced, crazy, and fun.

There was the time when Kathy videotaped Greg singing the Canadian National Anthem outside a Gold Coast ice-skating rink in tribute to some excellent friends in Canada (oh, that’s on our video-blog page, if you want to flip across to that). There was the segway along the cliff fronts with our two guides, where Kathy took to the segway like a paddleboarder to the seafront, and white-knuckled Greg ended up having one of the guides hover near him as he cautiously edged his way along the paths. There was laughter and growth and tears.

And the excitement – definitely excitement.

Kathy is a Counsellor (Grad Dip Int Psychotherapy, etc) and Greg is a third year student to become a Christian pastor. And one of the saddest things we heard when after thirty years we found each other and were married at a surprise wedding (surprise to most of the guests, because I’m pretty sure we both knew about the plans lol) was how many people would notice we were deeply in love and said to us repeatedly, “Oh, you’ll get over it.”

Well, you don’t have to. We want to share some stuff we’ve read and stuff we’ve tried … and stuff that works. Especially in how to communicate, how to give each other the passion, laughs, and romance we all crave.

Stick around for the journey. There’s a weekly video blog, a weekly crazy date suggestion, and always a tip or technique that makes living your love a little more do-able…

Good to chat with ya!!

Video Blog – “The Sensitive Type”

Greg Weller · Oct 21, 2018 ·

Sometimes in a relationship, one person is much more sensitive than the other. This can set up a dynamic where the more sensitive one raises a point of hurt a few times… Depending on whether the other responds with frustration the first time or perhaps the second time, or perhaps the sixth time, resentment or perceived hurt can stunt the relationship’s growth. Kathy and Greg discuss how they’ve found that issue in their relationship…

Do you have any comment or questions about the video? A similar story? Why not use the form below to send it in – we’re looking forward to posting it here!

Contact Us

A new date suggestion

Greg Weller · Oct 21, 2018 ·

Grab some quirky clothes, perhaps face masks, hats, and other visual props. Find a park and do a photo shoot of each other.

You could go for a black and white 1940’s look in clothes and style, or 1980’s punk attitude, or just be your own creative inner self… (NB Remember you’re in public!!)

How We Met!

Greg Weller · Oct 21, 2018 ·

This page is for any couple to write down the story of how they met

Don’t forget to write in and tell us how you met!

In the meanwhile, here are some Hollywood Christians who share a little about their relationship.

http://www.beliefnet.com/entertainment/celebrities/marriage-advice-from-top-christian-celebrities.aspx?

Last Week’s Story

Why don’t we go first.

Hi, we’re Greg and Kathy. Before we met, we both were on eHarmony, and had been for ages. Each of us had kept wondering whether to unsubscribe, but each time we started to unsubscribe, something happened and we never got to doing it. (And as Christians, we’re pretty sure that was God keeping us there until we met.)

Kathy had a look at Greg’s bio and stuff, but what she noticed particularly was that Greg had said that he really wanted someone who would love God more than they would love their partner. Because that was pretty much what she had written too, she “winked” at Greg. What that is, is she clicked on a wink icon, and Greg got an email from eHarmony saying that Kathy was interested in chatting.

And three years later, after a beachside marriage, a honeymoon cruise, and some crazy funny shennanigans, we’ve sat down to host a blog.

We hope you reading couples’ stories as they come in!

Why not email in your story, so we can paste it here??

Contact Us

Couples Chatter

Greg Weller · Oct 12, 2018 ·

Is this why conflict becomes so hard between couples – we care about the other person, we care about the issue, we care about the emotion welling up inside us.

LAST WEEK’S BLOG

Hi from Kathy and Greg! Thanks for joining us!

We are two people who finally found each other after thirty years of struggling with singleness. We have been together (almost) three years, and it’s been amazing, fast-paced, crazy, and fun.

And the excitement – definitely excitement.

Stick around for the journey. There’s a weekly video blog, a weekly crazy date suggestion, and always a tip or technique that makes living your love a little more do-able…

Good to chat with ya!!

Video blog

Greg Weller · Oct 12, 2018 ·

Kathy who is a counsellor (with qualifications Grad Cert CFT, Adv Dip CFRT, Grad Dip Int Psychotherapy) and Greg (in his final year of training to be a pastor) will post regular videos here discussing communication, dating, books and tools on relationships that they’ve found helpful and – just for a giggle – fun stories to keep you laughing.

Oh, and we would love to discuss any questions, concerns and topics you’d might like to raise. Why not use the form below to send us a topic you’d like to get current thoughts over…

For today, here’s a giggle. For a crazy date night, Greg sang the Canadian National Anthem outside an Ice Skating Rink on the Gold Coast in honour of two Canadian friends, who are very missed.

Why not use the form below to send us a topic you’d like to discuss? You’ll receive up to date information from God’s Word and from Christian Counselling best practice.

Contact Us

A date suggestion

Greg Weller · Oct 12, 2018 ·

THE DATE JAR

Try this – it certainly has created a lot of fond memories for us.

Guys, write out (in secret) a list of great date ideas. To find these, you might google “romantic date ideas” or “quirky date ideas” or “cheap date ideas”. Customise them to suit your spouse and you. They can just be fun dates, or romantic dates, or a mixture.
Write a number next to each item on the list. (For the rest of this explanation, I’ll pretend you came up with 20 ideas.)
Find a jar, and 20 tokens, game pieces etc (even little squares of paper) that you can write a number on.
Write a single number between 1 and 20 on each token, game piece etc. (Don’t repeat any numbers. You should end up with 20 tokens, game pieces etc, each holding a different number.)
Place them all in a big jar.
Each week, she draws out a single token from the jar. The activity on your secret list that has that number will be the date for this week.
Try to tell her just enough so she can prepare for the date (eg prepare suitable clothes) – but try to keep the details of the date as secret as possible. That way the anticipation builds. It also allows you to re-use the idea again if at the last moment, something comes up and you can’t use the idea.
At the last possible moment, reveal the date.
Enjoy the date
Repeat!

How we met!

Greg Weller · Oct 12, 2018 ·

This page is for any couple to write down the story of how they met

Why don’t we go first.

And three years later, after a beachside marriage, a honeymoon cruise, and some crazy funny shennanigans, we’ve sat down to host a blog.

We hope you reading couples’ stories as they come in!

Why not email in your story, so we can paste it here??